Last night I told my husband that I miss him. He nodded in agreement as he sat beside me.
We are together a lot, but our moments of non-distracted, non-exhausted, non-sick, non-stressed, non-necessary, non-rushed, non-interrupted communication are slim. We’d like to add those little nons into our relationship, but they’re elusive little prefixes.
We strive to have non-distracted conversations, but texts, and emails, and demands keep breaking our concentration. Not to mention our kids.
We desire to talk about non-necessary topics, but there are fires to be put out before we can intentionally try to fan into flame our love for one another.
We want to give each other our non-exhausted selves. But, we can’t seem to find them.
We need the nons in our marriage.
But adding that prefix takes work.
And it should. Life moves forward after the wedding day and so should our relationship. It should grow and blossom instead of wilting. But it takes effort to remember to care for it in the midst of dizzying schedules and bursting calendars.
The daily, “What time should I plan dinner?” and, “Did you remember we have that thing tomorrow evening? Did you find a sitter?” questions cause us to put a finger in the leaking dam and leave us in a bind the next time we hear, “Babe, can you give me a hand here?”
The days of long uninterrupted dinners and fun filled dates are taken over by quick, “How was your day?” volleys and conversations squeezed in while sitting in the bleachers.
You have to make an effort to add those nons. But how? What does that look like?
I think it takes many different forms.
Some days you make your kids gag as you kiss in the kitchen. Other days you put a movie in for them and you finish that difficult conversation that’s been driving a wedge between you. Some days you splurge on a nice dinner for two after they’re all in bed, and you tuck your phones away in another room too. Some days you go out to a movie neither of you really care to see just so that you can sit beside each other and hold hands.
And some days you simply acknowledge to each other that you miss the nons. Both of you do. That you’re striving to find them and you believe in each other and miss each other in the meantime. That the effort to find the nons is a small price to pay for the love of your life. You’re a team in this daily work.
Marriage. It sometimes needs a prefix.
And together, we’re going to work to add it.
This post has been re-shared from its original publish date of September 21, 2016
One thought on “Our Marriage Needs a Prefix.”
I know you know this … but I remember Lauren saying as a young girl that she disliked Tom and I going away each year for a long weekend. In her childlike mind it was as if we really didn’t love her enough to stay home. But every year, even as I lay in bed the night before with tears of already missing them, we headed out for three or four days annually. Usually it was Maine, and it grew to be something Tom and I both long for, even now. It is in a sense our Sabbath wedding rest each year that we know we will rekindle and find ourselves, should we have become lost through the “busy”ness of life.
As Lauren grew, we told her that this was the best gift we could give she and TJ, for mom and dad to love each other and put each other first. She never quite understood until much later. Now she says that she is so glad we did that. The benefit is that we were an example to our children in their own marriages one day, to put each other first BEFORE the kids. Seems an unnatural choice, but it is I believe biblical. God never says to be submissive to your children, or love your children, we naturally want to serve and take care of them.
I’m sure you guys already do something like this, but wanted to share my own personal experience. Putting Tom first after my relationship with God, has been the best choice. Now with the kids gone, it is a natural choice to put “us” above the rest of the noise the world wants to throw on us.
Blessings … miss you. Lori